It's kind of a funny story...

I was leaving a bachelor party at The Holiday Inn at about 2:00 and I was absolutely starving. I don't think I've ever been so hungry. I saw a hotdog stand and I managed to scrape together $3 worth of change and bought me a hotdog. As we were walking to our room my buddy's hand banged into mine and the hotdog flew out of the bun and landed in some sand. I was so hungry I scraped off the ketchuppy sand and tried to eat it. I hand sand all in my mouth and it was absolutely horrible.

It's kind of a funny story...

I was at Busch Gardens getting ready to eat a $7 sandwich when this huge bird swooped down and snatched it right out of my hand.

It's kind of a funny story...

I've never squeezed my butt cheeks together as tight as I did last night. I knew if I farted it was over and could possibly never happen again. I had been seeping out sewer farts all night.

It's kind of a funny story...

I don't know what made me think of it but I just thought it would be funny if I went out and peed in some random stranger's gas tank. I imagined him seeing me and running over there and cussing me out, but he didn't even notice.

It's kind of a funny story...

I dropped a bunch of chocolate covered peanuts in the seat on our trip. They melted and stuck to my butt and I had no idea. I walked into Zaxby's and several people looked at my weird. I had no idea until I got back to the car and saw the melted chocolate on the seat. Then I checked my pants and sure enough it looked just like I had crapped my pants. There was a big chunky brown streak right where my crack is.

It's kind of a funny story...

I had been drinking pineapple juice and Rum and thought of a funny prank... I poured pineapple juice into the ice tray and let it freeze overnight. The next morning I got out the frozen pineapple juice and put it in three glasses. Then I made everyone a drink. People started saying their drink tasted weird and then I got a scared look on my face and falsely confessed that I had gotten drunk and peed in the ice trays the night before. They all got all pissed off and started spitting out their drinks! It was classic!

It's kind of a funny story...

We were eating at Red Lobster the other night and my wife thought she would pull a fast one on me, so she unscrewed the lid on the salt shaker while I was in the restroom. When I came back and didn't use any salt. About 15 minutes later she had totally forgotten that she did that, and she grabbed the salt. The lid came off and she dumped half the bottle on her food! It was priceless!

It's kind of a funny story...

I had been working in the garage for hours. I went into the house and got a glass of milk. When I was heading back to the garage I realized I had a gallon milk jug in my hand. I walked back and opened the refrigerator and sure enough there was my hammer in the fridge! I am really losing it!

It's kind of a funny story...

We were at my Grandparents' house a couple weeks ago and were about to eat lunch with a bunch of elderly, church going, very religious relatives. My great uncle was going to give the blessing.   We all bowed our heads and he began, "Dear Heavenly Father..."   My daughter started laughing really loud and blurted out, "Daddy, why'd he say Heavenly Farter?"

It's kind of a funny story...

I have two aquariums.   The one in my basement is 150 gallons and it hadn't been cleaned in about two years.  The ice storm that hit last February caused the power to go out and without a heater or oxygen all of my fish died.  I removed the dead fish but didn't clean the tank.    I also have a 50 gallon aquarium in my office on the second floor of my house.  That tank had been cleaned out but had never been filled back up with water.   So one day this past Summer I decided to stop procrastinating and fill up the aquarium in the office while draining the one in the basement.   I ran a water hose up and through the door on my deck and into the aquarium in my office.    Then I went down to the basement and put a hose in that tank.  I pulled the rest of the hose outside the house and sucked on the end of it, trying to start a siphon.   I sucked and sucked and yet nothing would come out.   I finally gave up and pulled the hose back inside the house and closed the door (but like a complete idiot I didn't take the other end of the hose out of the tank!) A little while later my 2 1/2 year old daughter asked me where her shoes were.   I walked downstairs to look for them and to my horror I saw that the siphon had started and about 100 gallons of nasty fish tank water had already ran out of the hose into my carpet.    I should have grabbed the end where the water was running out and took it back outside but instead of jerked out the end in the fish tank to stop the flow.    I then remembered the tank upstairs was still filling up and I wanted to make sure it wouldn't overflow so I ran outside and shut off the water spicket.   I went to the garage and got Shop Vac #1 and started sucking up all the water from the carpet.  After about 30 seconds it malfunctioned and wouldn't suck anymore.  So I went to the garage and got Shop Vac #2.   It worked for a few minutes and did the same damn thing!    So I called my Mom and told her to come get my daughter so I could keep her out of the mess and I asked to borrow her Shop Vac.   I dropped off my daughter and picked up Mom's vacuum.   When I pulled back into my driveway I noticed water was leaking around the spicket.  Apparently I hadn't turned it all the way off!!!    So I ran up the steps and sure enough the tank in my office was overflowing with water and I was flooding the upstairs.     I started Shop vacuuming up all the water and quickly filled the Shop Vac to the max.   I attempted to pick it up and carry it over the baby gate at the top of the steps and the freaking handle broke off and dumped not only all the water back into my carpet, but also all the nasty crap that was already in my Mom's Shop Vac.   It was the biggest mess of all time.  At that point I just rolled over in the floor and laid there speechless for about ten minutes.   It was one of those days where I should have just stayed in bed.